Have you ever heard of the teacher who helped her students understand prejudice in just one day? She taught a powerful lesson on privilege, prejudice, and kindness.  Watch it here!

Sometimes you just need to run from a bad relationship. Maybe you aren’t close to anyone who is willing to tell you that your Significant Other needs to find the curb. So we’ll do it for you! Here are 15 red flags that will help you recognize the person you are with is not really the one for you (unless, of course, you enjoy unhappiness and chaos).

Commence with the Red Flag Training!
​

1. If your love has nothing to do with his/her parents, investigate why. Ask the parents directly – asking the person you love may sound like a good idea but it isn’t - unless you love being fed lies. Big ones.
2. If your decent friends dislike your new love, pay attention. This is also true if the hating is going in the opposite direction.
3. If your man is into porn. Be done. Don’t even try with this man. We can’t find any studies indicating the same rings true with women but we would guess it would.
4. If your parents or siblings have doubts about this person, pay attention. Listen and check it out. It doesn’t mean they’re right; but they are the only people who are guaranteed to have your back, so hearing them out may change their opinion (or yours) and will help to get everyone on the same page – relationship building is always good.
5. Relationships have a lot to do with group membership – marriage quickly moves you and your loved one into family member roles: 1) Carefully watch how your man treats his mother (and how his dad treats her, too). This can tell you a lot about the role of women in their lives; 2) Carefully watch how your woman navigates situations with her family. Also carefully observe the relationship between her parents. This can tell you a lot about what to expect once you are a family member.
6. If your love already has children and they want nothing to do with him/her, do not believe the trite story that the ex brainwashed them. Kids had front row seats to this person’s life at some point and developed very valid opinions at surprisingly early ages – no one has to brainwash when the adult alienates the kids single-handedly.
7. If your love has a wandering eye and just can’t seem to remember that you are in a relationship – run away. This will not change.
8. How does your love manage money? Are you tied to a Scrooge or a spendthrift? These habits seldom change. If they don’t change before you enter a long-term relationship, they most likely won’t. This one isn’t a deal breaker as long as you’re okay with current money management habits.
9. If he's over 30 and has no money, do not let him move in with you - and don't marry him until he's financially solvent. If he has any respect for you (and himself), he'll insist on it. Yes, this is strongly traditionalist, but it is still very wise advice. Unless, of course, you love freeloaders.
10. Be sure in your heart that you can live with your love AS IS. In the long run, you cannot change another person in a lasting or meaningful way.
11. If your love has more than one DUI and still drinks, run! Same with drugs. As far as drugs and alcohol goes, think about this person in the role of parent. Because you’re out of luck if you marry, have kids, and then decide you don’t like the (same, ongoing) amount of drugs and alcohol. Courts regularly ignore pleas to cut a drug-abusing parent out of a child’s life if the drug abuse was happening at the beginning of the relationship. Marriage is a contract and you don’t get to change the terms you deemed acceptable via your marriage license: meaning your babies will be regularly exposed to any substance abuse that you already knew about regardless of whether you stay together or get divorced.
12. If your love is the constant expert at everything or is full of swagger, understand that this might be a turn off to potential future friends - and maybe even you eventually.
13. If you love an emotional or verbal abuser, it will only get worse. Cruelty, unwarranted blaming with the inability to talk about problems, name-calling, and disrespect are classic signs of trouble ahead.
14. Along the same lines, if your love doesn’t seem capable of accepting responsibility when things go wrong (and/or never apologizes to you), everything will be "your fault" forever. Nobody needs that. This includes those moments when something goes wrong and instead of hearing potential solutions, possible apologies, and tenderness, you hear, "That wouldn't have happened if you hadn't (fill in the blank)."
15. If you’re seeing cruelty, shortness, or abuse to children, wait staff, or pets, recognize that you are not in love with a kind person. That also will not bode well for a long-term relationship/marriage. 

Addictions aren't easy to beat. And they don't destroy only one life. Addictions move through an addict's family and friends in concentric circles leaving a trail of divorce, broken hearts, and strained relationships everywhere. The most successful way to beat addiction is to never develop one. Easier said than done, since the addict slowly slides into addiction without actually noticing. Most people reassure themselves that, should they become addicted to their preferred substance, rehab is just around the corner. Get clean, stay clean: life is good again. Yet it seldom works that way and people rarely talk about it. Below are the relapse percentage rates for a variety of addictions. It clearly illustrates that addiction usually wins. 

You need a nap. You know it. You feel it. But the last time you took a nap, it wasn’t long enough and you got stuck going to that job interview feeling groggy and acting dull. Not a good deal. You heard that a half hour nap is the absolute best. That makes no sense because that’s exactly the advice you took before the interview fail. 

You’re correct. That nap advice screwed you. A thirty minute nap is the worst nap you can take. It leaves you groggy and needing more sleep. Sleep is important and we all know that it’s not always possible to get the right amount of shut-eye at night. Stress, work, homework, babies, etc. can really mess up your evening. This makes a nap – the right nap – integral to your survival on those high stakes days. We’re here to help you figure out how long your nap should be. 

The Power Nap (15 minutes):  This is the nap to take when you have a break at work and keep nodding off at your desk. You don’t enter REM sleep, but your body gets a powerful re-charge that can get you through the afternoon of meetings and work. This nap also comes in handy when you’re a sleepy mom with little kids. Pop in their favorite video, set your alarm for 15 minutes, and you’ll be alert and ready to join them before it ends.

The REM Nap (90 minutes):  This is the best nap of all. Your brain gets some slow-wave sleep and you get some of that dreaming that we all need to keep us from hallucinating all day long.  This is the nap you need before that big job interview or if you’re slated to take an essay exam.  Rapid Eye Movement (REM) sleep enhances creativity, procedural memory, and emotional stability.  In addition, this long nap doesn’t usually come with that post-nap groggies. This nap can not only help you ace your essay exam, it can save your relationship. Remember that many couples break up during the stress of finals. So grab your honey and take a REM nap as needed. 

Sleep is important and now that you know which type of nap you need for which occasion, you’ll be getting the sleep you need when you need it. Sleep tight!

On a very serious note. There is a YouTube video floating around that portrays a terrible, horrible, bad day in the life of a guy – if gender roles were flipped. The video is admittedly a concentration of many of the aggressions and microagressions females report they encounter every day; all rolled into one short, difficult-to-watch movie clip. As such, many males take umbrage to the video; stating they would never treat women “like that.”  Watch the video (In French with subtitles) and see what you think. **Trigger Warning: Assault, Abusive Behavior, Strong Language**

Whether they would treat a woman “like that” or not (and we know both men who would not and icky men who would), a lot of females are replying to them and validating the experiences portrayed in the video.  A close reading of the comments, however,  reveals one important factor: many women are using the wrong terms to adequately convey what they are experiencing, making it difficult for everyone to understand the enormity and complexity of a serious problem.

Take, for example, the response one woman made to a male commenter, “Sexual assault may not happen to every woman every day, but all the rest was absolutely a normal day, in my experience.“ Think about that sentence.

Now consider the definitions of assault and of battery. Assault generally means the threat of harm or attempts to cause harm which causes apprehension of harm.  Battery is to cause the harm.  So, for example, if someone threatens to throw a rock at you – that is assault. If someone throws a rock at you and misses – that is also assault. If someone throws a rock at you and hits you – that is battery.  Assault and Battery is when someone threatens to cause you harm and then does just that.

The term Assault has evolved a bit, legally, in that actual harms are sometimes referred to as an assault.  Predictably the example here will be Sexual Assault.  According to the Model Penal Code, Sexual Assault is when a person has “sexual contact with another person not his spouse..” up to and including several forms of statutory rape, sex when a person has blacked out (from use of drugs or alcohol), “roofie” sex, etc. (FYI: Roofies are put into sodas as well as alcoholic drinks.) Sexual Assault is a misdemeanor (not a felony). Other forms of nonconsensual sex would be charged as Rape. Rape is a Felony.  Some acts (e.g., roofie sex, black out sex, etc.) can be charged as a Felony or as a Misdemeanor depending on the egregiousness of the crime.  And many actual Felonies are pled down to a Misdemeanor Assault to avoid trials (but that would be an entirely different discussion). 

The point is this: if someone is harassing you with verbal sexual overtures, they are assaulting you. Every woman can attest to the fact that these overtures carry an implied threat of harm. Catcalls are sexual overtures; honking your horn at an attractive female who is simply walking down the street is a sexual overture; lustful, directed looks at a co-worker are sexual overtures. All of these ill-mannered behaviors are taken as threats when directed at females who are simply trying to live their life.  And what do you call an action that carries an implied threat and causes apprehension? An assault.

Reframing personal assaults by referring to them as rudeness leaves women unable to convey the level of threat they feel when confronted with these types of behavior. We need to call it like it is and recognize these assaults as such.  When we don’t, the icky men who assault women are often dismissed as rude; even when their assault activity rises to a higher level. What do you call it when your neighbor wanders over and grabs your ass as you mow the lawn? Rude. In actuality, that action is one that is a chargeable assault.  How about when you are in an elevator at work and get groped by the guy from the 4th floor?  Again, we typically refer to it as rude when, in reality, it is a chargeable assault.

Words matter. And the responses left in the wake of this video show that women will be better-served by acknowledging a personal assault as an assault so that when they are inevitably accosted with a chargeable assault, they can recognize it as such and not dismiss it as rude behavior. And icky men who are doing the assaulting will be put on notice that their behavior exceeds the boundaries of rude. 

 The other day I was in the grocery store and realized how strange our society has become. A person who says, “Excuse me” is not asking for a pardon or an apology for invading your space; “excuse me” now means “get out of my way, I’m coming through!” Go figure. When did this happen? When did our American lives forget the meaning of courtesy and good manners? No wonder we struggle with relationships! Take, for example, the simple apology. 

            An apology used to be what Person A would extend to Person B after unintentionally causing an unintended harm. It might be an unanticipated collision or a mistake that causes a rift in a relationship. But the apology would come after the unintended harm. That all seems to have changed.  An apology seems to be extended by Person A as a Get Out of Jail Free card.  How many times have you heard someone say, “Well, I already apologized why are you still talking about it?”  Hmmmm…so I guess it is of a Get Out of Jail Free and Shut Up Already card. In fact, I have seen people intentionally harm a personal relationship – planning in advance to apologize for the lie told or the other harm rendered.  I think that’s why apologies don’t really seem to have the weight now that they used to have in the past.  Just like the “excuse me” phrase, we’ve all lost sight of the true purpose and meaning of an apology. What is an apology supposed to be?

An apology was originally intended to be an extending of oneself to another in an attempt to right a wrong – and a promise that the wrong would not be repeated. More than that, there used to be an implied obligation of Person A to be kind and put in extra effort to nurture the broken relationship until Person B is again happy to have the relationship. If Person B needs to talk about it some more, Person A is the gentle listener. If the wrong broke trust in the relationship, Person A will patiently demonstrate that wrong will not re-occur. When does the patience stop? When Person B is again able to trust Person A within the relationship.  The apology was never intended to shut Person B up. It was the beginning of repairing the relationship – not the end. It was an acknowledgment that the person who did the wrong thing did not do it intentionally and is now willing to make it right and not continue to repeat the bad behavior.  What does a sincere apology look like?

First, Person A will feel remorse for what has happened and how it has hurt Person B. It is not a matter of trying to avoid the consequences or escape responsibility for the consequences of what took place. It is a sincere remorse for the hurt caused to Person B.

Second, Person A will approach Person B and extend the apology without trying to excuse or explain the bad behavior. It is an apology – not a debate or self-justification. If you aren’t ready to apologize without trying to excuse yourself or help the Person B understand their part in your bad behavior, you aren’t really apologizing so don’t waste your time. But don’t wait too long to apologize if you value that realtionship as time tends to damage relationship further.

Third, be honest and sincere. Don’t lie if Person B asks for details as that will just damage the relationship further. 

Fourth, make a promise that you will not repeat the bad behavior or that you are willing to take the necessary steps to repair your relationship. If you cheated, potential steps might be repairing your relationship with counseling, being extra attentive to the person you cheated on, completely breaking off all contact with the person you cheated with, listening to Person B describe their pain that resulted from your affair for a long time, etc.  Or it might be something else; only Person B can tell you it will take to repair the hurt and make your apology good.

Fifth, take time for some introspection. Why did you do what you did? Find out what triggered the hurtful behavior so you can make good on your promise to never repeat it. If you repeat it – your apology is null and void. 

That is how an apology was intended to work and, quite frankly, why apologies don’t work very well today. Good relationships are built on mutual trust and caring. All relationships experience rough patches that can usually be fixed with a true, sincere apology. 

Moving your life forward can be a challenge. If you find yourself needing a life coach, drop us a note. We’re here for you.



                                                                                                                        Article by Dr. Sherry Thompson