The other day I was in the grocery store and realized how strange our society has become. A person who says, “Excuse me” is not asking for a pardon or an apology for invading your space; “excuse me” now means “get out of my way, I’m coming through!” Go figure. When did this happen? When did our American lives forget the meaning of courtesy and good manners? No wonder we struggle with relationships! Take, for example, the simple apology.
An apology used to be what Person A would extend to Person B after unintentionally causing an unintended harm. It might be an unanticipated collision or a mistake that causes a rift in a relationship. But the apology would come after the unintended harm. That all seems to have changed. An apology seems to be extended by Person A as a Get Out of Jail Free card. How many times have you heard someone say, “Well, I already apologized why are you still talking about it?” Hmmmm…so I guess it is of a Get Out of Jail Free and Shut Up Already card. In fact, I have seen people intentionally harm a personal relationship – planning in advance to apologize for the lie told or the other harm rendered. I think that’s why apologies don’t really seem to have the weight now that they used to have in the past. Just like the “excuse me” phrase, we’ve all lost sight of the true purpose and meaning of an apology. What is an apology supposed to be?
An apology was originally intended to be an extending of oneself to another in an attempt to right a wrong – and a promise that the wrong would not be repeated. More than that, there used to be an implied obligation of Person A to be kind and put in extra effort to nurture the broken relationship until Person B is again happy to have the relationship. If Person B needs to talk about it some more, Person A is the gentle listener. If the wrong broke trust in the relationship, Person A will patiently demonstrate that wrong will not re-occur. When does the patience stop? When Person B is again able to trust Person A within the relationship. The apology was never intended to shut Person B up. It was the beginning of repairing the relationship – not the end. It was an acknowledgment that the person who did the wrong thing did not do it intentionally and is now willing to make it right and not continue to repeat the bad behavior. What does a sincere apology look like?
First, Person A will feel remorse for what has happened and how it has hurt Person B. It is not a matter of trying to avoid the consequences or escape responsibility for the consequences of what took place. It is a sincere remorse for the hurt caused to Person B.
Second, Person A will approach Person B and extend the apology without trying to excuse or explain the bad behavior. It is an apology – not a debate or self-justification. If you aren’t ready to apologize without trying to excuse yourself or help the Person B understand their part in your bad behavior, you aren’t really apologizing so don’t waste your time. But don’t wait too long to apologize if you value that realtionship as time tends to damage relationship further.
Third, be honest and sincere. Don’t lie if Person B asks for details as that will just damage the relationship further.
Fourth, make a promise that you will not repeat the bad behavior or that you are willing to take the necessary steps to repair your relationship. If you cheated, potential steps might be repairing your relationship with counseling, being extra attentive to the person you cheated on, completely breaking off all contact with the person you cheated with, listening to Person B describe their pain that resulted from your affair for a long time, etc. Or it might be something else; only Person B can tell you it will take to repair the hurt and make your apology good.
Fifth, take time for some introspection. Why did you do what you did? Find out what triggered the hurtful behavior so you can make good on your promise to never repeat it. If you repeat it – your apology is null and void.
That is how an apology was intended to work and, quite frankly, why apologies don’t work very well today. Good relationships are built on mutual trust and caring. All relationships experience rough patches that can usually be fixed with a true, sincere apology.
Moving your life forward can be a challenge. If you find yourself needing a life coach, drop us a note. We’re here for you.
Article by Dr. Sherry Thompson
An apology used to be what Person A would extend to Person B after unintentionally causing an unintended harm. It might be an unanticipated collision or a mistake that causes a rift in a relationship. But the apology would come after the unintended harm. That all seems to have changed. An apology seems to be extended by Person A as a Get Out of Jail Free card. How many times have you heard someone say, “Well, I already apologized why are you still talking about it?” Hmmmm…so I guess it is of a Get Out of Jail Free and Shut Up Already card. In fact, I have seen people intentionally harm a personal relationship – planning in advance to apologize for the lie told or the other harm rendered. I think that’s why apologies don’t really seem to have the weight now that they used to have in the past. Just like the “excuse me” phrase, we’ve all lost sight of the true purpose and meaning of an apology. What is an apology supposed to be?
An apology was originally intended to be an extending of oneself to another in an attempt to right a wrong – and a promise that the wrong would not be repeated. More than that, there used to be an implied obligation of Person A to be kind and put in extra effort to nurture the broken relationship until Person B is again happy to have the relationship. If Person B needs to talk about it some more, Person A is the gentle listener. If the wrong broke trust in the relationship, Person A will patiently demonstrate that wrong will not re-occur. When does the patience stop? When Person B is again able to trust Person A within the relationship. The apology was never intended to shut Person B up. It was the beginning of repairing the relationship – not the end. It was an acknowledgment that the person who did the wrong thing did not do it intentionally and is now willing to make it right and not continue to repeat the bad behavior. What does a sincere apology look like?
First, Person A will feel remorse for what has happened and how it has hurt Person B. It is not a matter of trying to avoid the consequences or escape responsibility for the consequences of what took place. It is a sincere remorse for the hurt caused to Person B.
Second, Person A will approach Person B and extend the apology without trying to excuse or explain the bad behavior. It is an apology – not a debate or self-justification. If you aren’t ready to apologize without trying to excuse yourself or help the Person B understand their part in your bad behavior, you aren’t really apologizing so don’t waste your time. But don’t wait too long to apologize if you value that realtionship as time tends to damage relationship further.
Third, be honest and sincere. Don’t lie if Person B asks for details as that will just damage the relationship further.
Fourth, make a promise that you will not repeat the bad behavior or that you are willing to take the necessary steps to repair your relationship. If you cheated, potential steps might be repairing your relationship with counseling, being extra attentive to the person you cheated on, completely breaking off all contact with the person you cheated with, listening to Person B describe their pain that resulted from your affair for a long time, etc. Or it might be something else; only Person B can tell you it will take to repair the hurt and make your apology good.
Fifth, take time for some introspection. Why did you do what you did? Find out what triggered the hurtful behavior so you can make good on your promise to never repeat it. If you repeat it – your apology is null and void.
That is how an apology was intended to work and, quite frankly, why apologies don’t work very well today. Good relationships are built on mutual trust and caring. All relationships experience rough patches that can usually be fixed with a true, sincere apology.
Moving your life forward can be a challenge. If you find yourself needing a life coach, drop us a note. We’re here for you.
Article by Dr. Sherry Thompson
