“She is such a fat pig! And in case you didn’t know she is a liar.  She is always stealing stuff from work and sneaking out early. (I hope they see this and fire you, you slut.)” 

SMS programs (such as Facebook, LinkedIn, and Twitter) make it easy to let off a little steam when you’re losing it. It’s easy to say mean things about your ex-spouse-to-be when you’re on-line and angry. But this can create problems for you – especially when you’re in the middle of a divorce. 

Did you know you could be sued for slander if your comments are lies?  Yes indeed. It’s called libel if you are making untrue (even slightly untrue) comments that could cause financial or reputational harm to the person you slandered.  

I know, you’re thinking it’s okay because you’ve unfriended your ex and s/he will never know what you wrote. These websites are not particularly private – you never know when what you have written will end up surfacing on the wrong website. Whether you get sued or not, your angry comments could be presented to the judge as evidence against you during your divorce proceedings.  The judge can consider these comments when awarding custody or alimony.  Your actions could be construed as attempts to damage your ex-spouse’s relationship with your children or simply as attempts to malign your ex-spouse in the eyes of others. 

As a rule of thumb, never ever malign your ex on an SMS website. Ever. There.  Now you feel safe and believe you are okay to post as you please as long as you avoid saying mean things (even if they are true) about you ex.   

Not so fast…

Other items you post can also hurt you in your divorce proceedings. Pictures and postings can say a lot about your lifestyle, income, and attitude. Are you partying all the time? Did you post pictures of that great party you attended when it was your turn for parent time with the kids?  Are you claiming poverty in your divorce documents and positing pictures of your new BMW? The best policy is to be honest in your court documents and ensure your Facebook, etc. does not portray you contrary to how you are portraying yourself to the courts. 

Cruise your websites every few weeks looking specifically for items that could frame you in a negative light.  If they exist (and are true) fix yourself.  If they exist (and are untrue) fix those websites. And, for heaven’s sake, don’t be mean about your ex or whine about your kids on your Facebook!

Article by Dr. Sherry Thompson

Divorcing people may not realize it, but they actually go through two divorce processes.  First, is the legal divorce process which takes place in the court.  It will formally divide marital assets and debts, determine where your children will live, and leave you legally single.  The second process, the emotional divorce, is more personal and seldom acknowledged.  During your emotional divorce, you come to terms with what happened within the failed marriage and learn to move forward in life.

The legal divorce process consists of several steps but, once you understand it, is not terribly complicated.      The Petitioner (you) creates a Complaint for Divorce and has it served on the Respondent.  The Complaint looks a lot like a divorce decree – but it only records how the Petitioner would like to see the marriage end.

1. The Petitioner generally has 120 days from when the Complaint is filed with the Court to get it served or the case will be dismissed. Anytime after the Complaint is served, the two of you can come to agreement on the terms of your divorce and quickly finish up the divorce process by filing any formal agreements (i.e., Stipulations) that differ from the original Complaint along with a Final Decree of Divorce and your divorce can be finalized.
2. The Respondent (the person who got served) generally has 20 days from the date of Service to file an Answer with the Court. An Answer looks a lot like a divorce decree, too.  It tells the Petitioner which terms of the Complaint are acceptable and which are not.  If the Respondent agrees with everything in the Complaint for Divorce, there is no need to file an answer.  You can go ahead and submit the final divorce papers to complete your divorce.
3. If an Answer is filed, both parties have the opportunity to collect information (e.g., credit card statements, wage statements, bank account information, etc.) from the other person in order to support their proposed divorce terms.  This activity is called Discovery. In many divorces the Discovery step is skipped because the two people believe they are already cooperating in sharing the necessary information.
4. Once both parties have the information they need to make informed decisions, they will know if there are any areas of disagreement. This is often the best time to mediate. Mediation is a meeting in which both people meet with a trained mediator to discuss their differences of opinions. A good Mediator will not make any decisions; but will facilitate the conversation to help you decide what is in your best interests.  If you come to agreement during mediation, the Mediator (or an attorney if any have been hired) will draw up the formal agreement (i.e., Stipulation) so it can be filed with the courts to complete your divorce.
5. If agreement can’t be reached through mediations or private conversations, the divorce case may be set for trial where the Judge will make decisions regarding each disagreement.  Less than 4% of all filed divorces end up going to trial. In most cases, it’s in your best interests to reach a agreement without a trial – but it is important you know your rights and responsibilities to do so.  Additionally, you need to recognize how the psychological divorce process is impacting your legal divorce.
   

The psychological divorce process is similar to the grieving process you experience when there is a death in your family. You might work through some of these steps before you even file for divorce.

1. Denial – Disbelief that your relationship is not working. You might continue to try to patch things up despite all the signs that everything is over. It is possible that affairs will occur during this phase if you are still together.
2. Anger – ‘Nuff said. Anger will be part of your divorce process. It is surprisingly common for domestic violence of some type to occur during this step. Anger sometimes is the fuel of a needlessly ugly legal divorce – prolonging the pain and expense for everyone involved (including their children).  Some couples remain a couple in an extremely negative sense because they effectively fail to work through their anger. Decades after the divorce is finalized, the couple will still be antagonizing each other. The divorce has evolved into a very negative, albeit, strong relationship where new spouses may refer to the old spouse as the “ex-wife-in-law” or the “ex-husband-in-law.”
3. Bargaining – You may be bargaining with your ex for peace, with God for a return to peaceful times, or something altogether different. Some people want the old relationship back while others are attempting to move forward while not quite ready to do so.
4. Depression  - At some point you stop being angry at the other person and become angry or frustrated  with yourself – which is what situational depression is all about. You may feel angry at yourself for having failed at an important relationship – even if you really did not do anything to make the marriage fail. Remember, it takes two to make a marriage but it only takes one to destroy it. Even if you are elated to be free, you may be sad. If you were left and not ready to be divorced you may experience depression while going through all the other steps.
5. Acceptance – Once you have worked through your psychological divorce, you will be ready to move forward and create a new life for yourself on your own terms. 
   

Unfortunately, your two divorce processes will often collide; resulting in delayed legal proceedings or expensive court costs if you choose to take out your anger via your legal divorce. Moving from litigation to mediation will not only save you time and money, it will actually aid in moving you through your emotional divorce as you move away from anger and toward bargaining – from feeling helpless to gaining a bit of control over what is happening to your life.  A good therapist might be able to aid you in moving through the emotional divorce process in a healthy manner. 

You will have an easier time moving through the legal divorce process, if you are familiar with the legal divorce process while remembering you are also working through your emotional divorce.  Remember to allow yourself some time and space to grieve the loss of your relationship so you can move forward and leave the anger and frustration of a failed marriage behind.

Article by Dr. Sherry Thompson

Here is a little secret that will serve you well as you enter into to court system seeking a divorce: the judge is not a referee; the judge is not your new best friend; and the judge is not policing the attorneys to ensure everything is going as it should.

A judge’s role may be different depending on whether you are involved in a civil case (e.g., divorce, personal injury, debt collection, etc.) or a criminal case. In a criminal case the judge must ensure your constitutional rights are preserved. You are entitled to a jury trial and the judge ensures the jury is correctly informed and instructed and certain legal parameters are met. You have the right to a lawyer in a criminal trial and a public defender may be appointed to defend you at your request. If you choose to proceed without the service of an attorney, the judge will carefully consider your decision and ensure you have also done the same. 

 In a divorce case, it is a bit different. You are not entitled to the constitutional protections afforded a defendant in a criminal case. You have the right to a fair trial (not speedy) in which the judge, depending on whether you request a jury trial, may be rendering a final decision. You may or may not engage the services of an attorney for your divorce. You are not entitled to counsel in a divorce. If you decide to represent yourself, the judge will not carefully explore the issue with you – in fact, if the judge thinks you are making a huge mistake, you will seldom be told. The role of a divorce judge is to ensure your case moves through the court at an acceptable pace. Most good divorce judges will also strongly encourage you to settle (or resolve) your own case through mediation or negotiation. Most, but not all, civil cases are resolved by the parties and (if they have them) their attorneys. You are responsible to protect your own rights; which means you are required to have knowledge of the divorce laws and rules which govern your personal circumstances. For example, if you are divorcing your wife of 4 years and together you agree that you will pay alimony for the next 12 years, the judge will rarely question your negotiated agreement. If you had researched the divorce laws and attendant rules, you would have known that most marriages lasting less than 10 years do not have alimony ordered AND when alimony is ordered is it most likely to be ordered to last only as long as the marriage lasted. But the judge is not responsible to tell you this and will most likely sign your divorce decree ordering the payment of alimony for 12 years as per your agreement. It is imperative you learn what the divorce laws say and work to protect your own interests while meeting your legal responsibilities.  A divorce lawyer may be able to help you accomplish this (the good news). Or you may be able to accomplish this goal on your own; saving you money.  However, in some cases, you will fare better if you have an attorney. How do you know if you can handle your divorce on your own – knowing you will not receive appreciable feedback from the judge on how you are doing?

The answer is not simple.  Primary factors to consider are: 

• Has the Other Party Hired a Divorce Attorney? If the other party has an attorney you should think carefully about whether you need to hire one. The presence of a lawyer may give the other party a bit strategic advantage if you are pro se (i.e, representing yourself).
• Are the Issues of the Divorce Case Simple or Complex? If the issues are complex, you may do well to hire an attorney to help you find a way to effectively present the issues to the court.
• Can You Adequately Understand the Rules and Laws Governing Your Divorce? Some laws are very ambiguous. Sometimes the judges are forced to use an ambiguously worded  law or Divorce Decree to frame their decisions by using the parties’ arguments to contextualize their decision  For example, your divorce decree might state “Father shall have access to children for 4 hours one evening per week. “ If you cannot agree on the night, or if the father is saying he wants from 2-4 p.m. and then from 8-10 p.m. every Wednesday night and you don’t agree that this is a good plan for your children – you may need an attorney. Other times the law or Divorce Decree wording is very clear. If the divorce decree states you are required to pay $400 each month in Child Support, there is no ambiguity.
• What is the Relationship Between You and the Other Party? If your divorce has left you temporarily at odds with each other but you are generally on good terms, you might want to consider trying to work together to resolve the issues of your divorce using mediation.  Divorcing parents may largely agree on how their divorce should proceed and how often the kids should be seeing both parents. They will not likely need to hire attorneys. If you are in a high conflict relationship, have a history of coercion or domestic violence in your relationship, or have a historically poor relationship a divorce lawyer is most often a very good idea.  A good divorce attorney can provide help as a sponsor who will work to move you toward an equitable outcome, keep your ex-spouse-to-be from hurting you in the future, or help you resolve the issues of your divorce despite your bad relationship.
• Will it Be necessary for You and Your Ex-Spouse-To-Be to Maintain an Ongoing Relationship Once Your Divorce is Final? If you generally agree on the terms of your divorce and you do not have dependent children together, you most likely will not need to hire an attorney. If you generally agree on the terms of your divorce and you have dependent children together, you may want to hire a divorce lawyer or at least have one review the final draft of your divorce papers. Divorce lawyers address only the legal aspects of your divorce.  However, you are also undergoing an emotional divorce. An attorney cannot help you with the emotional terms of your divorce. 
  

If you decide you don’t need a  divorce lawyer, you may want to use a mediator to help you resolve any issues of your divorce.  Your lawyer may also recommend you use mediation to come to agreement on various issues. And regardless of your decision, if you later decide you made the wrong one – you can change it at any time. But remember, the judge does not monitor your attorney…it is your responsibility to ensure the integrity and honesty of your divorce lawyer.

Article by Dr. Sherry Thompson